


Little Red Riding Hood

by drelfina



Series: Sucks to be Q [5]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Blink and you'll miss it, Crack, Gen, M/M, because hilarious, fairy tale crack, no one is dead, slight Alpha/beta/omega verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 23:13:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, there was an omega named Q. He was a very pretty omega, and everywhere he went, people would gasp in surprise at his actually leaving his lab in daylight. </p><p>It annoyed him a lot, as you might understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time, there was an omega named Q. He was a very pretty omega, and everywhere he went, people would gasp in surprise at his actually leaving his lab in daylight. 

It annoyed him a lot, as you might understand. 

One day his grandmother M handed him a basket. 

"You have to deliver this to 007," she said. "For his next mission." 

"Wait, wait isn't he in Hong Kong? I'm not flying anywhere!" 

"Don't be ridiculous, he's in London. Meet him in the National Gallery." 

Q was told that the path to the National Gallery was treacherous and dangerous, and he would require a map. 

Q accepted the map of the London Underground from Tanner without making a face at his Grandmother, and went straight back to his lab to tinker with the basket of equipment, because he was Really Damn Good at that and he wasn't going to just pass out substandard equipment from the Cold War Era, as much as he loved his grandmother. 

"And don't talk to strangers," M warned when he finally took the lift out. "And remember your coat!" 

The coat she was talking about was bright red, form fitting, and was made of a space-age light bending polymer that was also waterproof and very warm while being incredibly lightweight. Q had made it himself, though he still had to figure out whose fault it was that it had been made in red. 

The last time he had gone out without his coat Q had been kidnapped by the CIA who had mistaken him for a doppelganger who had the misfortune to look like Q and worked for a newspaper that had a tendency to publish rather accurate things about the US government, which thus labelled him as a terrorist. 

Q's coat now had an internal lining made of a new material that was basically a tracker that linked to his grandmother's phone. 

In any case, Tanner's map of the tube was outdated.

But since Q took the tube on a regular basis it wasn't a problem. 

What WAS, though, was the way it was peak period now, and a tall, broad man was pressed up to Q's side. 

"Hello, clever boy." 

Well Q was wearing glasses. That usually made people think he looked like a nerd. But the really sleazy part was the way the man's hand was groping his behind. 

"Stop that," Q hissed. 

"it's so rare to see you out and about, little Quartermaster," the man said, grinning, teeth all bared, sharp and pointy. 

Whereupon Q stuck a taser into the man's side, and left him twitching as he got off at the next stop. 

It was three stops too early, and he had to wait for the next one before he could get the connecting train. 

Then his phone rang. Q tried to answer on his bluetooth before realising that it'd either fallen out or someone had stolen it. 

After two minutes of digging through his coat, then fighting the crowded mass of humanity around him and nearly dropping the basket, Q got hold of his phone. 

"You never did say where you were going, Clever boy." 

"You again," Q said, annoyed. "Stop cluttering up the airwaves." 

The voice tutted. "That's not how it works and you know it, Clever Boy?" 

At which point there was an announcment. "The next train has been delayed. Please take alternative routes to your destination, buses will be provided for the next stations." 

Wonderful. 

Q snarled and stamped up topside. 

"Quartermaster," a woman said, slanting a smile at Q as Q tried to hail a cab. She smirked and slid into the next cab before Q could get the door, like the exact high class omega she looked, dressed in fine diamonds and a black glittery dress, movements so sinuous and smooth that Q was just left gaping as the cab zipped off.

He had to walk the rest of the way, because the bus was too crowded, and he was rather hot, bothered and cross by the time he arrived at the National Gallery.

Which was, at the moment, a scene of quiet chaos because the Gallery was full of people who were very artistic and very intellectual, and thus they only fled disapprovingly as 007 and the man from the train engaged in fisticuffs in front of Willem Kalf's 'Still life with Drinking Horn'. 

Q eyed them both for a moment, and then picked up the gun he had modified in the basket, and shot at both men because they were too close together for him to risk anything else. 

Fortunately it was just tranquilizers. 

"Shit," Q said as his shots went wide. 

"You need more training on the range, boffin," said a female voice behind him, and shot straight, hitting Silva and Bond in the shoulders. 

Both men collapsed with a gasp. 

"I nearly hit them," Q said peevishly, as Eve Moneypenny, M's other assistant holstered her gun. 

"Nearly," Eve agreed. "This gun's tranq shots are strangely balanced." 

"Take it to Q branch tomorrow," Q muttered, and stomped up to the men, and kicked the man from the train in the side. "You stole my bluetooth earpiece," he said. 

"Hnng, I had to, you weren't listening to me," the man said, and Q glared at him, before calling his grandmother to report that they had a suddenly un-dead terrorist named Silva on their hands.

Then he realized that Silva was staring up his coat and skirt. 

"And he's a giant pervert," Q snapped as he kicked Silva in the face. Silva promptly grabbed Q's ankle and pulled him over.

In the scuffle of limbs that Bond joined in cheerfully, Silva wriggled away, managing to abscond with the help of an incredibly familiar woman who had distracted Eve, leaving Bond and Q in the middle of the room of priceless art, surprisingly undamaged. 

"So, you finally show up Q. Late." Bond huffed. "And you shot me." 

"The train was delayed by that pervert," Q snapped and thrust the basket of goodies - I mean equipment at Bond. "Eve shot you - and the tranq will wear off in about ten minutes, so soon you will be able to sit up properly. so you can stop whining." 

"Thank you," Bond said, dryly, and did not move until M showed up and scolded everyone for all the youtube videos that were going to ruin MI6's reputation. 

"And Q, how could you stand around looking like a wreck, like that? Honestly, Q," she snapped, and Q sighed and rearranged his coat to hide one of its broken buttons. 

Which was when he realised that Silva had absconded with his phone. 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Shameless crack. 
> 
> Because I quite like writing fairytale crack.


End file.
